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About Literature / Hobbyist Chris22/Male/United States Group :iconshadowpoetry: ShadowPoetry
For the darker side of poetry
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Literature
Stay Away/Am I Evil? (Anniversary)
Stay away from me
Because I can't stay away from you.
I don't want to hurt you,
But I know it'd be inevitable.
I'm broken,
I'm a monster,
I'm not the boy you knew
Nor the man you fell in love with,
I'm something else.
I hide in the shadows,
Because I feel safer with demons
Than in the light where you can see me.
It's not that I want to be alone, or afraid;
I can't let you love me because
I don't want to disappoint you, hurt you,
It's because I love you.
So don't come, no matter what,
Stay away.
Even if you see the demons closing in,
Stay away.
I just have to show them what I am, a monster like them.
You can't save me, not anymore;
You would no longer recognize me if you tried.
I don't even recognize myself,
I don't think I can say I'm still a good person,
So I don't know what that makes me.
Am I evil?
:icontheShadowGrove:theShadowGrove
:icontheshadowgrove:theShadowGrove 1 2
Literature
Let Go
Seasons change
And the object of my affection changes even quicker.
I'm restless and wondering,
Getting drunk off cheap booze at the local bars,
Lying in whatever bed I'm invited into
But never being able to sleep
Because when I sleep I dream of you
And at least awake I have a chance of thinking about something else for a while.
Pool is my new favorite sport,
Because I suck when I play sober
And it's an excuse to get a few drinks.
No one knows the real reason why,
No on knows about you.
I don't talk about it,
I think because they'd want to help, and I don't want help.
I don't want to truly forget you because I still love you and it'll be like losing you again.
I try so many things to keep you off my mind because thinking too much about you becomes painful
Yet, I'm not ready to fully let go.
:icontheShadowGrove:theShadowGrove
:icontheshadowgrove:theShadowGrove 0 0
Literature
Cold
I am relentless in the way that I love you.
My heart is a ruthless monster.
Time passes and stands still.
Everything has changed, everything around me
Yet I am the same.
You know everything about me and I don't know you at all.
I feel the distance both in time and space between us
More profoundly than I can explain,
Yet somehow it doesn't seem to matter.
I wish I knew what to do;
I know we want different things and no amount of me bending over backwards can make it work.
Yet, I still love you.
Years have passed and everything's changed;
I'm frozen in place.
:icontheShadowGrove:theShadowGrove
:icontheshadowgrove:theShadowGrove 1 0
Literature
Waiting for a Friend
The depression's coming back again.
I'm tempted to pick up the phone and text you,
But I can't keep doing that to you.
All you'd say, all you really can say at this point, is
"I'm sorry, hope you feel better soon."
I get it, I wouldn't know what to say either anymore;
We've gone over the logical steps countless times,
You've drilled every encouraging, positive fact into my memory...
It's just a matter of me believing it now, but even that's not that easy.
I keep losing this fight:
I used to try to win, but I don't have it in me anymore, I just let it win.
The facts of how good my life is don't seem to matter,
Nor the explanation that all of this is caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain.
None of it changes how I feel and why.
I want to text you, but everything's already been said.
:icontheShadowGrove:theShadowGrove
:icontheshadowgrove:theShadowGrove 0 0
Literature
Why
I'm always sitting here asking why
All this shit happened that forced me to say bye
"I love you
I need you"
Was that all just a lie?
The future we were building
Was that just lie?
I would have died for you
Done anything for you,
I DID die for you
Or rather because of you:
Since you left I've been dead inside,
Hollow and empty
Both in heart and in mind.
I poured out my soul to you
And you left it in the cold, bruised
And beaten and scared and alone
I'm scared in my own home
Scared of you
Or my thoughts of you
Scared of what those thoughts might cause me to do.
Afraid to trust anyone
To love anyone
To get close to anyone...
You broke my heart in a way that I don't know how to fix.
It's not like you dumped me, you got so twisted that I had to dump you.
You were tearing me apart in ways I would've never imagined
And after everything
All your bullshit and all this time
I still love you
And I'm still sitting here wondering why
:icontheShadowGrove:theShadowGrove
:icontheshadowgrove:theShadowGrove 1 0
Literature
Beyond Light and Sound
I thought you were distant,
But maybe it's me.
I feel like a veil has been dropped around me,
A shadow that separates me from the world.
You're distant,
               if I traveled at the speed of light I'd never reach you
                                                   But only because that's how far off I am
Your words are indiscernible echos now,
                                       they sound like an alien melody
                                                  in my insanity I give them a beat.
I feel like I was buried alive
And my memories and thoughts are bouncing off the walls around
:icontheShadowGrove:theShadowGrove
:icontheshadowgrove:theShadowGrove 1 2
Mature content
Whiplash :icontheshadowgrove:theShadowGrove 0 0
Mature content
An Attempt At Relief :icontheshadowgrove:theShadowGrove 0 0
Literature
Come Back
Do I want you to come back?
I don't know,
I don't think I know what I want.
I love you, I think...
Sometimes I don't think I feel at all
And it's just the echo of my last emotion that's left.
If you came back, I don't know if I'd love you or hate you,
I'm assuming I'd care, but don't know if I'd feel anything towards you,
Perhaps I'd feel everything.
But who knows? I've felt everything for so long that my emotions are exhausted.
I no longer feel the burden of a broken heart because
I got used to it,
The knots in my stomach are normal now
And the headache is easy to ignore as long as I'm drunk.
You made me hate you;
And I renewed that hate every time I thought about how much I loved you.
But I'm tired of hating you,
Tired of loving you,
Tired of anything having to do with you.
So if you came back,
Maybe I wouldn't care,
Or maybe I'd start to care again.
I guess I'll never know
Because I know you're never coming back.
:icontheShadowGrove:theShadowGrove
:icontheshadowgrove:theShadowGrove 2 0
Literature
Satellite
It's the same thing over again:
I think I'm over you
Then you crawl back into my thoughts,
Like I'm tied to a chair forced to watch the same movie over and over again.
I can't escape you,
I can't drown you in alcohol or burn you with weed,
I can't silence you with my screams,
I can't love while you own my heart,
I can't live while you own my life;
I can leave you, but I can't leave your orbit.
:icontheShadowGrove:theShadowGrove
:icontheshadowgrove:theShadowGrove 2 0
Literature
High
I'm high again
On the rain and the depression,
On the music and the emotions it stirs,
On the cold and and the ticking of the clock,
On the light slowly fading as the sun sets, reminding me that I'm that much closer to my death.
I'm high again
On the stress and the churning in my stomach,
On the feeling of being tired but not sleepy,
On the freedom and wonder of the empty that I see from the confines of my desk.
I'm high again
And I feel my heart and hopes sinking
Deeper into that pit in my stomach,
The drain everything I am has gone down.
I'm high again
On the awareness that I'm slowly imploding.
:icontheShadowGrove:theShadowGrove
:icontheshadowgrove:theShadowGrove 3 0
Mature content
I said goodbye, and you say... :icontheshadowgrove:theShadowGrove 0 1
Literature
I'm just one of those people
I guess I'm just one of those people,
The kind that trusts people
That loves people
That is able to eventually let down his guard.
I guess I couldn't have known better,
And now  I'm left with this endless pit of black ink
That I can throw on the page and
Let the letters fall where they may,
It's always the same thing:
The same pain and suffering
Just in various tempos.
You, my everything,
Left me with nothing.
:icontheShadowGrove:theShadowGrove
:icontheshadowgrove:theShadowGrove 8 0
Literature
Hopeless Devotion
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
I can't stop thinking about you
And I know that I'd still do anything for you.
Only you could have broken me like this,
Because you're the only one I ever loved this much.
:icontheShadowGrove:theShadowGrove
:icontheshadowgrove:theShadowGrove 4 2
Mature content
Your love is a wasteland :icontheshadowgrove:theShadowGrove 1 0
Mature content
How I lost my virginity :icontheshadowgrove:theShadowGrove 1 0
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blank verse poems

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Stay away from me
Because I can't stay away from you.
I don't want to hurt you,
But I know it'd be inevitable.
I'm broken,
I'm a monster,
I'm not the boy you knew
Nor the man you fell in love with,
I'm something else.

I hide in the shadows,
Because I feel safer with demons
Than in the light where you can see me.
It's not that I want to be alone, or afraid;
I can't let you love me because
I don't want to disappoint you, hurt you,
It's because I love you.

So don't come, no matter what,
Stay away.
Even if you see the demons closing in,
Stay away.
I just have to show them what I am, a monster like them.
You can't save me, not anymore;
You would no longer recognize me if you tried.
I don't even recognize myself,
I don't think I can say I'm still a good person,
So I don't know what that makes me.
Am I evil?
Stay Away/Am I Evil? (Anniversary)
So for those of you long time watchers, I wrote the original "Am I Evil?" for halloween my first year on here and continued to write and updated version every year on halloween but I'm pretty sure I didn't write one last year, maybe not even the year before...idk I guess I could check but why bother? anyway I started thinking about it again a few nights ago and then I was listening to Black Out Days by Phantogram and thought of a poem called "Stay Away" but ran out of fuel after the first couple lines, so I started merging it with "Am I Evil?" and here it is. really not a vent piece or related to anything going on in my life the way pretty much everything else is lol
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Seasons change
And the object of my affection changes even quicker.
I'm restless and wondering,
Getting drunk off cheap booze at the local bars,
Lying in whatever bed I'm invited into
But never being able to sleep
Because when I sleep I dream of you
And at least awake I have a chance of thinking about something else for a while.
Pool is my new favorite sport,
Because I suck when I play sober
And it's an excuse to get a few drinks.
No one knows the real reason why,
No on knows about you.
I don't talk about it,
I think because they'd want to help, and I don't want help.
I don't want to truly forget you because I still love you and it'll be like losing you again.
I try so many things to keep you off my mind because thinking too much about you becomes painful
Yet, I'm not ready to fully let go.
Let Go
idk, maybe I'm still hoping she'll reach out to me and somehow convince me that everything's changed (again) and that she wants to be with me, and if that happens I want to remember, not the way you remember smthg you read, but the way you remember smthg so vividly it's like you're reliving it. I want to remember all the good times and push myself to go back to her. and maybe I also want to remember all the bad times (that's probably the subconscious reason why I write about it so much), so that I can decide not to take her back. It sucks, I love her, I know I shouldn't be with her, that I can't trust her, that it wouldn't be good for me all based on experience and yet I don't really care, because every night for the past 2 years I've just wished that I was next to her, and I've woken up every morning somehow disappointed that I didn't wake up next to her and that all this wasn't some vivid nightmare
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I'm intrigued by the dark forms in the shadows
  The creatures crawling on the street in the middle of the night.
It's fun to gamble with my soul
And wonder what'll happen next.
I like to play with fire;
  Work my magic on the flame,
  Steal the heat for myself.
I like to chase the shadows,
  I like to hear them growl.
I long to feel their voices,
  Their power is so seductive.
I like to play with fire,
I like to play with death.
I like to chase the shadows.
I like to feel their breath.
Playing with Fire (likely to be re-edited)
I was gonna write this last night but then I fell asleep. and when I started writing this I had a song from Nightmare Before Christmas stuck in my head so I was trying really hard not to make it sound like that and idk I'm not totally satisfied with it
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I am relentless in the way that I love you.
My heart is a ruthless monster.
Time passes and stands still.
Everything has changed, everything around me
Yet I am the same.
You know everything about me and I don't know you at all.
I feel the distance both in time and space between us
More profoundly than I can explain,
Yet somehow it doesn't seem to matter.
I wish I knew what to do;
I know we want different things and no amount of me bending over backwards can make it work.
Yet, I still love you.
Years have passed and everything's changed;
I'm frozen in place.
Cold
Mostly Iron Man by Nico Vega with a little bit of My Friends by Red Hot Chili Peppers
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theShadowGrove
Chris
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
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Myers Briggs Type Indicator: INTP about 1% of the population!
Enneagram type 3 (it's changed a few times somehow, it was 3 first, than 5, then 6) (and it also said I was mentally unstable...)
Color Code: Blue
Sagittarius
Year of the Dog
Hopeless Romantic
Not gay, contrary to popular belief! (although occasionally bi if you play your cards right =p long story)
Languages: English and Spanish: fluent
French, Portuguese, Italian, and German: beginner
Competitive
I have plans for world domination
I'll use words to get out of a fight, but can kick ass if I have too (and that fact makes me so happy!)

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Concerts (of major bands) I've been to (in chronological order):
HONDA CIVIC tour [@ universal amphitheater]: mxpx, good Charlotte, new found glory
GREEN DAY (american idiot tour)[@ the home depot center]: Jimmy eat world, Green day
THE CULT (promo/reunion tour before born into this)[@ the grove of Anaheim]: the cult
DEPECHE MODE (tour of the universe) [@ Hollywood bowl]: peter, bjorn and john, depeche mode
KALIMBA [@ Fair of Duango]
DAVID GARRETT (us debut)[@ the el rey]: David Garrett
THE BANGLES (special one time deal)[@ my school!!!]: misc. local indie bands, the bangles
DAVID GARRETT (us debut...again)[@ the grove of Anaheim]: David Garrett
30 SECONDS TO MARS (into the wild)[@ the Greek]: street drum corps, neon trees, shiny toy guns, 30stm
MUSE(the resistance tour)[@ staples center]: passion pit, muse
DAVID GARRETT (rock symphonies tour)[@ the Wilshire ebell]: David Garrett
30 SECONDS TO MARS (closer to the edge)[@ Gibson amphitheater]: Frontline brigade, 30stm
PRINCE (welcome 2 america [?] tour)[@ the forum]: chaka khan, sheila e, prince (with opening acts again and other misc. artists)
ECHO AND THE BUNNYMEN[@ club Nokia]: misc. indie bands, echo and the bunnymen
DURAN DURAN (all you need is now)[@ Nokia theater]: neon trees, Duran Duran
THE CURE (reflections)[@ Pantages theater]: the cure
DAVID GARRETT(rock symphonies II)[@ club nokia]: David Garrett
SHINY TOY GUNS (promo)[@ Santa Anita race track]: Omar khan and other misc. KROQ DJs, Shiny Toy Guns
REVENTON2012[@ staples center]: Julietta Venegas, Kinky, Mikel Erentxun, Beto Cuevas, Moderatto, Cafe Tacuba, Hombres G, Los Enanitos Verdes
LINDSEY STIRLING (lindsey stirling)[@ the Roxy]: George Sarah and string ensemble, Von Grey, The Vibrant Sound, Lindsey Stirling
MUSE (The 2nd Law)[@ staples center]: band of skulls, Muse
SOUND CITY PLAYERS[Jimmy Kimmel Live]: Dave Grohl, Taylor Hawkins, Cheap Trick, John Fogerty, Bruce Springsteen, Lee Ving
LINDSEY STIRLING(Lindsey Stirling)[@ The Fonda]: The Vibrant Sound, Lindsey Stirling
30 SECONDS TO MARS(Love, Lust, Faith+Dreams)[@ first Unitarian universalist church of Los Angeles]: 30stm
PLACIDO DOMINGO(Zarzuela and Latin American music)[@ the Dorthy Cahndler] Placido Domingo with a bunch of opera singers I don't feel like looking up (but they were amazing don't get me wrong) and Pepe Aguilar
REVENTON 2013 [@ STAPLES CENTER] Los Amantes de Lola, Jorge Gonzalez, Miguel Mateos, Zoé, Nek, Los Angeles Azules, Molotov, Hombres G, El Tri
THE CULT(Electrc '13)[@ The Wiltern]: The Cult
DEPECHE MODE(Delta Machine)[@ Sleep Train Amphitheatre]: Crystal Castles, Depeche Mode
PAUL MCCARTNEY(New)[Hollywood Blvd for Jimmy Kimmel Live]: Paul McCartney
DEPECHE MODE(Delta Machine)[@ Staples Center]: Crystal Castles, Depeche Mode
THIRTY SECONDS TO MARS(Love Lust Faith+Dreams)[@ The Hollywood Bowl]: New Politics, Panic! at the Disco, 30stm
MOTLEY CRUE(Farewell tour)[@ Hollywood Bowl]: Alic Cooper, Motley Crue
PAUL MCCARTNEY (New)[@ Dodger Stadium]: Paul McCartney
SOUNDGARDEN and NINE INCH NAILS (King Animal and Hesitation Marks)[@ Verizon Ampitheather]: SoundGarden, Nine Inch Nails
U2 (Innocence and Experience tour)[@ the Forum]: U2
DEAD SARA (Pleasure to Meet You)[@ the Glass House]: Dekades, Lost in Society, Dead Sara
LINDSEY STIRLING (Shatter Me)[@ the Greek]: Olivia Somerlyn, Lights, Lindsey Stirling
DURAN DURAN (Paper Gods)[@ the Hollywood Bowl]:Clean Bandit, Chic with Nile Rodgers, Duran Duran
DEAD SARA (Pleasure to Meet You)[@ Bloomingdale's]: Dead Sara
THE CULT [@ the Palladium]: Primal Scream, The Cult
THE CURE [@ the Hollywood Bowl]: The Twilight Sad, The Cure
BLONDIE [@ LA county Fair]: Blondie
NENA [@ the Regent]: Rebel and a Basketcase, ADAMEVA, Nena
KROQ'S ALMOST ACOUSTIC CHRISTMAS [@ the Forum]: The Head and the Heart, Bishop Briggs, Phantogram, Andrew McMahon and the Wilderness, Bastille, Weezer, Beck, Green Day


OTHER BIG MUSICAL STUFFS I'VE BEEN TO (school musicals not counted):
THE SUMMIT (this is war album)[@ the avalon (formerly the palace)]: recorded background vocals and drums for the album
THIS IS WAR ALBUM PREVIEW+first view of "the ride" (kings and queens music video)+Q&A [@ the monteblanc]
30STM ACOUSTIC PERFORMANCE+ALBUM SIGNING[@ the hive]
SIMONE BOCANEGRA (opera)[@ the Dorthy Chandler]
AMERICAN IDIOT MUSICAL [@ Ahmanson theater]
BILLY ELLIOTT [@ the pantages]
FILMING OF CALIFORNICATION SEASON FINALE [@ the greek] Misc opening band made up of crew members doing a soundcheck, Tim Minchin, Steve Jones of the Sex Pistols Atticus Fetch (the character Tim Minchin plays) Marilyn Manson!!! Atticus Fetch again (it's called the two headed monster tour on the show, Fetch and Manson) and comedian Shane Mauss came on every once in a while too
THE ADDAMS FAMILY [@ Segerstrom Center for the Arts]
METALLICA: THROUGH THE NEVER [@ TLC Chinese Theater]
CARMEN [@ the Dorothy Chandler]
LA TRAVIATA [@ the Dorothy Chandler]
THE BARBER OF SEVILLE [@ the Dorothy Chandler]
GIANNI SCHICCHI/PAGLIACI [@ the Dorothy Chandler]
MACBETH [@ the Dorothy Chandler]
THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS [@ the hollywood bowl]
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Interests
  • Listening to: Shiny Toy Guns
So the semester's almost over, and in my night class last night, we had a little party, and someone brought a big container of starbucks coffee. It looked so good and was just cold that I had some, ofc it wasn't decaf and it took me forever to fall asleep! I spent an hour and a half reading articles about the Prius Prime and Chevy Volt and for the first time since switching to Android and using Chrome, got really annoyed with ads and missed the reading mode on internet explorer for my windows phone. So this morning i did some research into browsers and downloaded firefox on both my phone and PC and it's better than I could have hoped for! I know it's pretty random but it made me really happy, it's like a facelift for my phone since the browser is the app i use the most! I used to use firefox on my pc years ago and flash would always crash, but I don't play online games anymore (really just one game, avengers alliance on FB, but shortly after I lost interest in it, it was discontinued)

It's been 98 days since my last journal update. I hardly ever come on here, though I do try once in a while, mostly to check in on ShadowPoetry or if I need to write smthg, but I don't spend time on the site, just login, submit, log out. My depression has really receded, I still get depressed, but they're more like short waves of it that last no more than an hour, maybe 2, and only every month or so. What's the cure? well, it's mostly been keeping busy, btwn work, then losing my job and figuring out how to fight a wrongful termination, which I can't, then enjoying my weekends at the Renaissance faire and such. I also take care of an old lady who's losing her mind and pays with good tequila (basically I just cook for her and get her out of the house). Then there's school ofc. And I've become addicted to Skyrim! I still think about my ex all the time but it usually doesn't make me depressed anymore. I still love her, but I'm also over her, if that makes sense. I guess I'm cool with never being with her, and am actually excited when there's a possibility of starting a new relationship with someone. Part of why I don't come on as often is all the memories it brings of her, that and I'm getting tired of the dA community in general, no offense, it's not any of my watchers/ppl I watch, but the broader community. I saw a job posting to work at the dA headquarters and there was a list of things they said you should be interested in to fit in at the company. well I didn't know most of the things on that list, and when I looked them up thought they were really stupid(TROLOLOLO MAN), and unfortunately that's the majority of ppl on here including ppl I used to be friends with that I no longer have anything in common with. Anyway, it's still the best site for what I do, it's just not an integral part of my life anymore.

Also, I'm going back to Europe this summer!

Journal History

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:iconsventine:
Sventine Featured By Owner May 6, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for faving Pain :)
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:icontheshadowgrove:
theShadowGrove Featured By Owner May 9, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
de nada! me encanto! es el fondo de pantalla de mi telefono
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:iconadananian:
Adananian Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank ya fur da :llama:
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:iconjtcphoenix:
JTCPhoenix Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the favorite. I really appreciate it. I hope you'll take the time to check out some of my other pieces and if you like them consider giving me a watch. I'll be sure to return the favor! Thanks again.
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:iconelextrified:
elextrified Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Hi Chris! Thanks so much for the fave on Extinguished Love! Your support is extremely appreciated :heart: :happybounce: 
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